Friday, June 5, 2009

the goodness i have been gifted with

i am aware of and can define in my perception of myself, an outward and an inner expression of that perception. i can also acknowledge my awareness of the dialogue between the two areas of self and then again of the creative force that issues out of this dialogue and describes features of my actual self.

one such dialogue sees the outer person ask the world for forgiveness for the inner person through acting the role of "fool" in the classic use of the role - the king's fool who describes the king with detail and accuracy and in so doing pokes fun at the power, the accoutrements, the ambitions of someone gifted with earthly power.

this has been my primary role in relation to the outer world since my childhood. it has provided me with security as it is a feature of the world's expectation of me and so easy to play into. it has provided me with a place to hide.

i learned the deep value and significance of induced or prepared joy.
the kind that can sustain a person like myself past the unsustainable.

i have also learned through the course of my life that this giving of hope and joy carries a price tag.
in part, the price is the expectation that there is an unlimited quantity of this joy.

it is actually limited only by my ability and willingness to pay the price.

in part there is also the misperception that the joy describes the person providing it.
this form of joy describes the needs of the person providing it.

this is clear in my personal and professional lives to those who know me in the real sense of knowing.

the outer person is my lifeline to my meal ticket. he acquires material goods, power, relationships, intimacies, acceptance.

the inner person is the self i have dialogue with, the sometimes grieving, sometimes truly joyous, sometimes immersed-in-the-truly-wondrous-goodness-i-have-been-gifted-with person that i am and am to be becoming.

through my life i have quieted the inner person, and quickly acquired items incuding image reinforcing roles and relationships; all of these to remind myself of my sense of myself as a worthy person.

these are things i want.
these are things i have.
these are significant and signify not only what i am and what I am capable of but also signify what i can get. these are measures of success in the material world.

and so, like the fool whose entirety is described by mimicry they are defined entirely by the foreground while the richness of the background is overlooked or carefully tucked away, peeking between the shutters of the fool's perceptions and needs.

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