Monday, January 12, 2009

a careful dance

there's a dance - that moves so carefully and with such precision - between what we know of ourselves and what others know of us. the steps of the dance get complex when you consider all the variations, especially the most present and available of the variations . . . knowing myself through what others know of me.

the ease with which i play into that role (for that is what it is) is reminding of the fragility of my true sense of self. the very real distance and difference between how well i know myself and how well others know me is never so apparent as when i see myself let my self go and replace it with a perceived sense of self. a borrowed sense of self.

it resolves in the burning question . . . how to let go of "i"?

this dilemma and these questions are similarly expressed in this passage from an essay by jeanne de salzman, who oversaw the continuation of gurdjieff’s work after his death: “try for a moment to accept the idea that you are not what you believe yourself to be, that you overestimate yourself, in fact that you lie to yourself. that you always lie to yourself every moment, all day, all your life… you will see that you are two…one who lies and one who cannot endure lies…learn to look until you have seen the difference between your two natures, until you have seen the lies, the deception in yourself. when you have seen your two natures, that day, in yourself, the truth will be born.”